Puns Ville

If puns were meats, this one would be the wurst A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive. I’m bacon you…please! No more meat puns! OP’s puns meat our expectations today. Not the usual low quality spam. Which of the following doesn’t belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob? The blowjob. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can’t beat a blowjob. If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t` eat meat. If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone. How many meat eaters does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they would rather stay in the dark about things. What do you call a vegetarian who goes back to eating meat? Someone who lost their veg-inity! Meat-eater: Did you hear about the new study saying vegans are more likely to go blind? I guess it’s because you don’t get the proper nutrition. Are you spaghetti cause I want you to...

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang. I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, “Do you want a lift”. “No thanks”, they replied, “We’re Walkers”. I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all £5 apart from one that was £10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said “that’s maderia cake”. Bought some cream, it said “store in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios. Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing. A man says “I keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says “I’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”. I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles. How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the gar...

Why didn’t the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush! Whats green and smells like bacon?  Kermit the Frog’s finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies? Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon. Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu?  Kevin Bacon If you can’t get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple. Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon. What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life. Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork. What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon. How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you g...

Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie. Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man! Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk! For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues “Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts. Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations! I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat. How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin! When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream! What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!” Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes). How d...

What happens after you eat an entire gallon of “All Natural” ice cream? You get Breyer’s remorse! How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon. How do astronauts eat their ice creams? In floats! What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a’la mode. What does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae. Why don’t they make ice cream from breast milk? It’s an udderly bad idea! Where is the best place to get an ice cream? IN A SUNDAY SCHOOL. What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What’s the scoop Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road. Your evil stepdad isn’t “presidential” just because he got you ice cream and told you things would change after beating the shit out of you. In 1973 my dad left to get ice cream and never came back. Mom says he’s probably just lost because he hates stopping to ask for directions. If my house catches fire after I’ve sat down with a bowl of ice cream, I’m ...

I was going to write a joke about alcoholic midgets but I don’t want to lower the bar. Chemically speaking, alcohol is a solution. Yo mamas so dumb when I said “Drinks on the house.” She got a ladder I don’t have a drinking problem. I drink because I have problems. Two midgets walk into a mini-bar. If you drink and drive, don’t forget your car. If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy alcohol. You lost me at “non-alcoholic” I’m a recovering alcoholic. Or as my mate describes me, hungover. Money can’t buy happiness. Just kidding yes it can, if that money is used to buy alcohol. I’m in a commited relationship with Jim Beam. I was drinking at the bar last night, so I took a bus home…That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before. How do you know a man is really really gay? When he’s nursing a Bacardi Breezer! What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels? A guy will actually SEARCH for a bottle...

Where do you calculate the mass of a cetacean? At a whale-weigh station! What is a whale’s favourite story? The Humpback of Notre Dame What is an orca’s favourite TV show?  Whale of fortune! What do you call a 100 year old whale?  A hunchback whale. What do whales like to chew? Blubber gum! What kind of whale flies?  A pilot whale! Why are they called sperm whales? Because seamen discovered them. Why was the whale so sad?  Because she was a Blue whale. Have you ever seen a fish cry?  No, but I have seen a whale blubber. What do you call a pod of musical whales?  An Orcastra. How does a group of whales make a decision?  Flipper coin! What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?  Licence to Krill Where does a killer whale go for braces?  The orca-dontist What do whales eat? Fish and ships. What do whales like to chew? Blubber gum! Where are whales weighed? At a whale weigh station How do you circumsize a wha...

To write with a broken pencil is pointless. What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, it’s a dead giveaway!) Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye. Who ever invented the “Knock-Knock jokes” should get a No-bell prize They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, “Are you two an item?” Where did the king put his armies? In his sleevies. I changed my iPhone’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now. A tattoo artist has designs on his clients. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on wo...

How does a baby get food when it’s hungry? Womb service. Life ain’t fair for a baby. No matter what you colic, a baby crying for hours is a pain! The failure of the third largest manufacturer of baby’s toys was enough to rattle the entire industry. What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. What did the mama tire and the papa tire name their baby girl tire? Michelle Lynn. What did the papa buffalo say the baby buffalo before he went to work? BISON! What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block When the baby bird penned his first novel he was just a fledgling author. Why couldn’t the melons have a baby? Because they cantelope. Why shouldn’t you put a baby’s dirty diapers in the laundry bin? You wouldn’t want to hamper his movements! How do you get 100 babies into a bucket? With a blender. How do you get them out again? With Doritos. What is funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown costume. How d...

While I dance I can not judge, I can not hate, I can not separate myself from life. I can only be joyful and whole. This is why I dance. Dancing is wonderful training for girls, it’s the first way you learn to guess what a man is going to do before he does it. Whats thirty feet long and smells like piss? Line dancing at a nursing home. If all the young ladies who attended the Yale promenade dance were laid end to end, no one would be the least surprised. Dancers are the messengers of the gods. What dance do hippies hate? A square dance. Where can you dance in California? San Fran-disco Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance. Which dance will a chicken not do? The foxtrot! Dancing is like bank robbery. It takes split-second timing. I often say that in making dances I can make a world where I think things are done morally, done democratically, done ho...

How does every Russian joke start? By looking over your shoulder. Whats the difference between a smart Russian and a unicorn?  Nothing, they’re both fictional characters What’s meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union?  It’s when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the party’s. What do you call a Russian with Tourette’s Syndrome?  Yukanol Fukov. What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?  A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat. What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User’s Manual?  The bus and train timetables. What is Communism?  The Poles say it’s the longest and most painful of the roads to capitalism. What do you call a gassy russian? Vladimir Tootin What is the fastest country in the world? A: Russia What do you call a Lada on a hill?  A bloody miracle. What did Wendi Murdoch say to Vladimir Putin?  Put-it-in! What did the Russian people light their houses with b...

Do you wanna join me for a yoga class? Namaste here. (No I must stay here). What do you get when you combine Starbucks and a yoga class? I don’t know, but there’s probably a hipster close by. Why didn’t the yogi vacuum in the corner? Because he has no attachments. What does a dyslexic cow say? Ommmmmmmmmm. What did the yogi put on the sign outside his studio? Inquire Within. What was the woman angry after her yoga class? She was bent out of shape. What did the yogi say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything. What kind of yoga do you do in a casket? Decom-pose. What’s the most romantic kind of yoga position a man can do? Pro-pose. Did you see the romantic comedy with Meg Ryan as a yogini? It’s called “Yoga mail”. What did the yogi tell the vacuum salesman? Too many attachments. What kind of animal does yoga? A Shangri-llama. What do you call women doing yoga in see through Lululemon pants? Over-ex-posers. Where do fish go to do yoga? The river bend....

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving. My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby. I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver. My wife had her driver’s test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children. Isn’t it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected. I work to buy a car to go to work. What do women and police cars have in common? They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming. Guy walks into my parts store....

Who was the smartest man in the Bible? Abraham. He knew a Lot. What kind of man was Boaz before he married? Ruthless. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out. Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple? It was a bird of pray. Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible? Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Samson. He brought the house down. What car make did the Apostles drive? Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord. Who’s the patron saint of poverty? St. Nickeless. Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled? The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor. What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car? A convertible. Almost funny? Jesus says, “Umm… no.” / Jesus Gifs What’s the best way to settle church disputes? With canons. Which Old Testament prop...

Who shaves 10 times a day and still has a beard? The barber. What do you call a man without a beard? A woman. How can you tell if a man with a beard is gay or straight? The smell. Why don’t men with beards need vacuums? They already have crumb catchers. What do you call a goat with a beard? Goatee. What’s the worst part of having a beard? Being confused as a hipster. How did the barber win the race? He took a short cut. What kind of facial hair helps you fake your own death? Star-burns. What do you call a bald drug dealer with facial hair? Heisenberg. Don’t point that beard at me, it might go off Do you think shaving cream really softens your beard… or is it just so you don’t lose your place? OK, so “I mustache you a question” I won’t be shaving this November in order to raise awareness for how lazy I am. When is your Movember mustache too long? When comments turn from, “Hey! I really like your mustache!” into, “Hey! I…whoa, now that’s a mustache!” She s...

Knock Knock Who’s there? Abby! Abby who? “Abby birthday to you!” “Abbey stung me on the arm.” We few, we Abby few, we band of brothers Knock Knock Who’s there? Adolph! Adolph who? Adolph ball hit me in the mouth! ABDUL: Abdul. What a ghoul. Smells like drool. Abdul. Knock Knock Who’s there? Ahmed! Ahmed who? Ahmedeus Motzart! ZACK: A variant of the biblical Zechariah, who has an even stupider name. Knock Knock Who’s there? Aida! Aida who? Aida lot of sweets and now I’ve got tummy ache! WILSON: Do you know what creepy neighbors and volleyballs with blood on them have in common? Your stupid name Knock Knock Who’s there? Al! Al who? Al give you a kiss if you open this door! WILSON: Do you know what creepy neighbors and volleyballs with blood on them have in common? Your stupid name. Knock Knock Who’s there? Aladdin! Aladdin who? Aladdin the street wants a word with you! WAYNE: Wayne, the most popular stupid name because of the pop icon Bruce — I mean, Wayne Brady K...

Why are frogs so happy? They eat watever bugs them! What do you call a woman with a frog on her head? Lilly. Whats a frogs favorite game? It’s croak-et! What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common? Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth! What’s the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night! What do you get when you cross a frog and a pig? A lifetime ban from the Muppet Show studio. How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs? They sit eggsaminations! Why are frogs so good at basketball? Because they always make jump shots. How do frogs die? They kermit suicide! What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad? One says ribbit ribbit, and thie other one says rub-it rub-it! What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad! What do you call a talking frog? A quantum leap. What’s a frogs favorite flower? A croakus! What do you call a frog hanging from a ceiling? Mistletoad. How do you make frog legs? In a...

The airlines have become so cash-strapped, they charged me for my emotional baggage. What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane? A Boeing Constrictor. When asked by a passenger how high he would get, the pilot replied,’I don’t do drugs.’ If you get sick at the airport it could be a terminal illness. During his air test a young pilot flew through a rainbow. He passed with flying colors. Did you hear about the pilot who always had work? He was great at landing a job. Traveling on a flying carpet is a rugged experience. The debate about unmanned aircraft strikes just keeps droning on. The plane flight brought my acrophobia to new heights. I’ve heard that the airplane industry is really taking off and reaching new heights. Whats the difference between a jet engine and a flight attendant?  At the end of the flight the jet engine stops whining What’s the difference between a fighter pilot and God?  God doesn’t think He’s a fighter pilot. What’s the di...

My friend told me how electricity is measured and I was like Watt! I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static! My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation. What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks. Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot. My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So I tasered her. I’ll ask her again when she wakes up. My tight-fisted neighbor doesn’t want to pay for an electrician to re-wire his house so he’s going to try and do it himself. “How hard can it be?” he said. I think he’s in for a shock. What do electricians chant when they meditate? Ohm. Ohm my God, that was bad. Watt made you tell that joke? Any more of these and they’ll have to charge me with assault and battery. My resistance to post further in this thread has been overcome by my capac...

A water bed may lead a couple to drift apart. Water slide construction completion requires a dry run. Yogi had a water, whiskey and tea drink everyday. He was a toddy bear. The coach asked Roger if he I could swim under water. He said, “don’t hold your breath.” Ending up in hot water may result from upseting a cannibal. When the police boat fills with water and those on board must be bailed out. Sea they never stop What do you call a duck that refuses to go in the water? A chicken! What keeps a dock floating above water? Pier pressure! Did you hear the watermelon joke?  It’s pitiful. Is it dangerous to swim on a full stomach?  No, it’s just more fun in water. Why is the letter T like an island?  Because its in the middle of water! What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the water? Bob Why is it bad to joke about boiling water?  Because it gets all steamy. How do you make holy water?  You boil the hell out of it! How ...

Do you think Sodium is some cool dude? Na! Mother: “Why would you not learn the periodic table?” Kid: “cause it’s so boron, ma!” Scientist One: Can you see it? Scientist Two: Can’t believe it really existed! Ah! Element of Surprise. What do you do to a crinkled shirt? Fe (Iron) There’s one good guy in the periodic table, know who? Samarium What would you say if you saw Nobelium and Silicon after a long time? Long time No(Nobelium) Si(Silicon) Emma finally decided to dump her boyfriend, because…She couldn’t barium (bear him). How did Oxygen and Potassium’s date go? O(Oxygen)K(Potassium). Boy: Hey girl, you made of Copper and Tellurium? Girl: What? Boy: ‘Cause you are Cu(Copper)Te(Tellurium). A poor Chemistry nerd’s proposal got rejected, guess why? Because he wrote Iodine Lutetium Vanadium Uranium to a girl, which meant I Luv U. We tell y’all folks, no matter how smart you are, you must never swank off, especially when the other party has no iota of interest in your ...

What do you call Clark Kent with diarrhea? Poop-erman. Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet. Ghost Poop: You feel the poop come out, but there is no poop in the toilet. Do you want to hear a poop joke? Never mind it’s too corny. Did you hear about the sequel, Diarrhea? It leaked so they had to release it early. Clean Poop: You poop, it’s in the toilet, but there’s nothing on the toilet paper. I was going to tell you a poop joke but it’s really crappy. Second Wave Poop: You’re done pooping and you’ve pulled your pants up to your knees, but something tells you you’re not done. Brain Haemorrhage Poop: (Also known as “Pop a vein in your forehead” poop) The kind where you Did you hear about the movie Constipation? It never came out. strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke. Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He just couldn’t budget. Gassy Poop: Everyone within earshot is giggling. Have you seen ...

Where do women dolphins keep their money? In their octopurse. How does a pod of dolphins make a decision? They Flipper coin. What do dolphin use for money? Sand dollars! Where do women dolphins keep their money? In their octopurse. How does a pod of dolphins make a decision? They Flipper coin. What do dolphin use for money? Sand dollars! How does a group of dolphin’s make a decision? Flipper coin! Why did the dolphin feel crabby?  Because he ate too many crabs! Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise! What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show ? Whale of fortune ! How could the dolphin afford to buy a house ? He prawned everything ! How could the dolphin afford to buy a house ? He prawned everything ! Why are dolphins cleverer than humans ?  Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish! What did Cinderella Dolphin where to the ball? Glass flippers! Where do dolphi...

How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses. Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google. A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL. There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t. In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows? Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway. An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks “may I join you?” Why is it that programmers always c...

What does one penny say to the other penny? Let’s get together and make some cents. What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?  a $100 bill! What is Barack Obama’s new slogan in these tough times?  Spare Change You Can Believe In! If money dosnt grow on trees why do banks have branches? What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs?  A penny. When does it rain money?  When there is “change” in the weather. Two coins add up to 30 cents, and one is not a nickel. What are they?  A quarter and a nickel. The quarter isn’t a nickel. Why don’t cows have any money?  Because farmers milk them dry. Son: “Mom can I get twenty bucks” Mom: Does it look like I am made of money Son: “Well isn’t that what M.O.M stands for?” Why did the man think he saw a ghost on Halloween?  A kid dressed up as a 401 (K) Why didn’t the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel?  Because it had more cents. What do you call a blonde with a...

Why did the sun go to school?  To get brighter! I was up all night wondering where the Sun had gone… then it dawned on me. Living on Earth might be expensive but at least you get a free trip around the Sun every year. I wish I was a glow worm. A glow worm’s never glum. It’s hard to be downhearted, When the sun shines out of your bum! Why did the blonde think it was Sunday? Because the sun was out. You are so beautiful you give the sun reason to shine. Of course, the sun shines by burning hydrogen into helium in its core. Yo’ Mama is so ugly, when she walks outside, the sun hides behind the clouds. Did the sun come out, or did you just smile at me? ‘Cause if the sun came out, it’s really gonna irritate my sores. I knew I had bought the wrong sun block when the bottle had a picture of a black guy putting two white guys out with a fire extinguisher. What did the sun say to the moon? ...

If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever. I wish I was one of ur tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips. Can you give me directions to your heart? I’ve seemed to have lost myself in your eyes. It’s not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me. God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.. Was your father a thief? ‘Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes. I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U? What time do you have to be back in heaven? there are many fish in the sea but you’re the only one that’s caught my eye Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren’t married to me. ...

When the foot doctor was stranded on the side of the highway, he has to call a toe truck driver to help. The general lost the war because he was too busy counting the feet of all the soldiers. His really was a toe-tally tarrying regime. My friend stubs his toe.. Me: “I’ll call a toe truck. My toes are poets and they know it. They’re Longfellows. I would help but my puns toe-tally suck. On a different topic my food is toe-riffic. Welp I think I am just toe-ing you around now so I will make my way out. Ladies, if a guy ever tells you he wants to cover you from head to toe in honey and lick it off inch by inch, that’s a man who’s never done it before. I don’t think we should call it ‘camel toe. I think we should call it ‘the-only-reason-I-go-to-yoga-toe.’ How do you make a woman’s toes curl?  Shag her with her pantyhose on. Why do blondes need “TGIF” written on their shoes?  To remind them that Toes Go In First. Why did the blonde ti...