Wine Puns

I was going to write a joke about alcoholic midgets but I don’t want to lower the bar.

Chemically speaking, alcohol is a solution. Yo mamas so dumb when I said “Drinks on the house.”

She got a ladder I don’t have a drinking problem. I drink because I have problems.

Two midgets walk into a mini-bar. If you drink and drive, don’t forget your car.

If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy alcohol.

You lost me at “non-alcoholic” I’m a recovering alcoholic. Or as my mate describes me, hungover.

Money can’t buy happiness. Just kidding yes it can, if that money is used to buy alcohol.

I’m in a commited relationship with Jim Beam.

I was drinking at the bar last night, so I took a bus home…That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.

How do you know a man is really really gay? When he’s nursing a Bacardi Breezer!

What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels? A guy will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Jack Daniels.

How does a man show he’s planning for the future? He buys two cases of Miller Lite instead of one.

What’s the cure for marriage?  Alcoholism.

Why does Corona go through your system so fast?  Because it does not have to stop to change color.

Whats the difference between a dog and a fox?  2 drinks.

How do you find a man in a bar who is sensitive, caring and good looking?  He’s nursing a Mike’s Hard Lemonade and is acting super super gay!

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?  The sofa doesn’t keep asking for Bud Light!

What is the similarity between Michelob Ultra and having sex in a rowboat? They are both SO close to water!

What do you say when you’re gonna drunk dial someone?  Al-cohol you

What do blondes and bottle of Corona have in common?  Their both empty from the neck up!

Four fonts walked into a bar, and the barman said: “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve your type in here.”

I just heard on the grapevine that doctors have invented a new grape variety that acts as an anti-diuretic to help with incontinence.

 

Every raisin is a tragic tale of a grape that could have been wine.

My favourite movie? It’s ‘The Rums of Amarone.’

She only made Gin, but he loved her still.

Sometimes we all need a Riesling to be cheerful.

If you can drink away your hurts, it must have been champagne.

My friend fell asleep in the bar, so I poured my ale on him to wake him up. It was a brewed awakening.

The past, present and future were in a bar. It was tense.

When Whisky met Cognac at the mixer it was clear their relationship was on the rocks.

If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.

Why is Oloroso so perfect? Because it’s completely flor-less.

Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.

They’re filming a new Renee Zellweger movie in Cuba. It’s called Bridget Jones Daiquiri.

Did you hear they’ve translated Harper Lee’s magnum opus into Mexican? It’s called Tequila Mockingbird.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”

 

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