Bible Puns

Who was the smartest man in the Bible? Abraham. He knew a Lot.

What kind of man was Boaz before he married? Ruthless.

Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple? It was a bird of pray.

Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible? Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Samson. He brought the house down.

What car make did the Apostles drive? Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Who’s the patron saint of poverty? St. Nickeless.

Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled? The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.

What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car? A convertible.

Almost funny? Jesus says, “Umm… no.” / Jesus Gifs

What’s the best way to settle church disputes? With canons.

Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point? “I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)

How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was Abel.

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?  Noah: he floated his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? Pharaoh’s daughter: she went down to the bank of the Nile and picked up a little prophet.

What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? Ruth-less.

Who was the first drug addict in the Bible? Nebuchadnezzar: he was on grass for seven years.

What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. Hondas… because the Apostles were all in one Accord.

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Samson: he brought the house down.

Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? In the big inning. (beginning) Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel.

How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden? They were really put out.

What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out? They really raised Cain whenever they were Able.

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?  David: he rocked Goliath to sleep.

How do you make Holy Water? Get regular water and boil the devil out of it.

Who was the greatest female businessperson in the Bible? Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Who is the shortest person in the Bible? Bildad the Shuhite (shoe-height). Nehimiah (Knee-high-miah) was a close second.

When was meat first mentioned in the Bible? When Noah took Ham into the ark.

How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was Abel.

 

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