Silly Puns

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, it’s a dead giveaway!)

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Who ever invented the “Knock-Knock jokes” should get a No-bell prize

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, “Are you two an item?”

Where did the king put his armies? In his sleevies.

I changed my iPhone’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

A tattoo artist has designs on his clients.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

What you seize is what you get.

I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.

Past, Present and Future walked into a Bar. It was tense.

What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.

Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

Where do you find chili beans? At the North Pole.

At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, “Are you two an item?”
They told me I had type A blood , but it was a Type- O.
 A dyslexic man walks into a bra .
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there’s no pop quiz.
Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own? Because it’s two tired.

What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
Did you hear about the man who ran through a screen door? He strained himself.

Why do ambassadors never get sick? Diplomatic immunity.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn’t matter none of them work.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

 

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