Airplane Puns

The airlines have become so cash-strapped, they charged me for my emotional baggage.

What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane? A Boeing Constrictor.

When asked by a passenger how high he would get, the pilot replied,’I don’t do drugs.’

If you get sick at the airport it could be a terminal illness.

During his air test a young pilot flew through a rainbow. He passed with flying colors.

Did you hear about the pilot who always had work? He was great at landing a job.

Traveling on a flying carpet is a rugged experience.

The debate about unmanned aircraft strikes just keeps droning on.

The plane flight brought my acrophobia to new heights.

I’ve heard that the airplane industry is really taking off and reaching new heights.

Whats the difference between a jet engine and a flight attendant?  At the end of the flight the jet engine stops whining

What’s the difference between a fighter pilot and God?  God doesn’t think He’s a fighter pilot.

What’s the difference between a pilot and a pepperoni pizza?  A pepperoni pizza can feed a family of four.

If you masterbate on a plane do they charge you with “hi-jacking”?

What do you call a space pilot who lives dangerously?  Han YOLO

What do you call when you’re sick of being in the airport?  Terminal illness.

Why do 747s have humps?  So the pilot can sit on his wallet.

What do you get when you cross an airplane with a magician?  a flying sorcerer.

Wanna know how to make a small fortune running a charter airline?  Start out with a large one.

What do you call a black pilot?  a pilot, you racist.

What do you call a pregnant flight attendant?  Pilot error.

What seperates three whores form two alcoholics?  The cockpit door!

What do you call a plane that’s about to crash?  An “Error Plane”

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it’s probably a helicopter — and therefore, unsafe.

Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: “Why is it doing that?”, “Where are we?” and “Oh S#!+!”

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

 

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