Car Puns

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

My wife had her driver’s test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

Isn’t it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.

I work to buy a car to go to work.

What do women and police cars have in common? They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

Guy walks into my parts store. Says “I need a gas cap for a Ki” I said, okay, sounds like a fair trade.

What’s the difference between BMWs and Porcupines? Porcupines carry their pricks on the outside.

What do the British drink warm beer? Because Lucas Electronics makes their refrigerators.

To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

There are a lot of female hormones in beer. When I drink five bottles I also can’t drive a car and start behaving illogically.

I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio… I don’t understand a word they’re saying.

You can get “anywhere” in ten minutes if you go fast enough.

Speed bumps are of negligible effect when the vehicle exceeds triple the desired restraining speed.

The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.

Driving a Porsche in London is like bringing a Ming vase to a football game

A truly reckless driver is one who passes you when you are already exceeding the speed limit

The driver behind you wants to go five miles per hour faster

What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What’s the good thing about Fords?  They come out of the factory with the problem circled.

What do you call a VW bus at the top of a hill?  A miracle.

What car does a Proctologist drive? A brown Ford Probe.

What is the smallest part of a FIAT?  The owners brain.

How do you double the value of a Chevy? Put gas in it.

What’s the difference between a Kia and a tampon ?  A tampon comes with its own tow rope.

How is a golf ball different from a Chevy?  You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.

What is found on the last two pages of every Chevy’s owners manual?  The bus schedule.

Why did Ford make a new heated tailgate? So your hands stay warm when you’re pushing it back home in the winter.

How do you tell when a mid-engined Ferrari is warmed up?  It’s on fire.

How do you make a Ford accelerate 0-60 mph in less than 15 seconds? Push it off a cliff.

How do you improve the appearance of a Chevy?  Park it between two Fords

What did the store employee say when the customer said, “I’d like a set of wiper blades for my Kia”? “Sounds like a fair trade.”

Why are there sidewalks beside streets? So Ford owners have a safe place to walk home.

Where do Volkswagens go when they get old? The Old Volks home!

What do you call a Chevy with brakes?  Customized.

Why don’t Chevy’s sustain much damage in front end collisions?  The tow truck takes most of the impact.

 

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