Articles

Meat Puns

If puns were meats, this one would be the wurst A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive. I’m bacon you…please! No more meat puns! OP’s puns meat our expectations today. Not the usual low quality spam. Which of the following doesn’t belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob? The blowjob. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can’t beat a blowjob. If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t` eat meat. If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone. How many meat eaters does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they would rather stay in the dark about things. What do you call a vegetarian who goes back to eating meat? Someone who lost their veg-inity! Meat-eater: Did you hear about the new study saying vegans are more likely to go blind? I guess it’s because you don’t get the proper nutrition. Are you spaghetti cause I want you to

Dessert Puns

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang. I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, “Do you want a lift”. “No thanks”, they replied, “We’re Walkers”. I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all £5 apart from one that was £10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said “that’s maderia cake”. Bought some cream, it said “store in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios. Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing. A man says “I keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says “I’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”. I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles. How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the gar

Bacon Puns

Why didn’t the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush! Whats green and smells like bacon?  Kermit the Frog’s finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies? Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon. Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu?  Kevin Bacon If you can’t get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple. Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon. What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life. Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork. What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon. How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when y

Halloween Puns

Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie. Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man! Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk! For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues “Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts. Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations! I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat. How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin! When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream! What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!” Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes). How d

Ice-Cream Puns

What happens after you eat an entire gallon of “All Natural” ice cream? You get Breyer’s remorse! How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon. How do astronauts eat their ice creams? In floats! What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a’la mode. What does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae. Why don’t they make ice cream from breast milk? It’s an udderly bad idea! Where is the best place to get an ice cream? IN A SUNDAY SCHOOL. What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What’s the scoop Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road. Your evil stepdad isn’t “presidential” just because he got you ice cream and told you things would change after beating the shit out of you. In 1973 my dad left to get ice cream and never came back. Mom says he’s probably just lost because he hates stopping to ask for directions. If my house catches fire after I’ve sat down with a bowl of ice cream, I’m

Wine Puns

I was going to write a joke about alcoholic midgets but I don’t want to lower the bar. Chemically speaking, alcohol is a solution. Yo mamas so dumb when I said “Drinks on the house.” She got a ladder I don’t have a drinking problem. I drink because I have problems. Two midgets walk into a mini-bar. If you drink and drive, don’t forget your car. If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy alcohol. You lost me at “non-alcoholic” I’m a recovering alcoholic. Or as my mate describes me, hungover. Money can’t buy happiness. Just kidding yes it can, if that money is used to buy alcohol. I’m in a commited relationship with Jim Beam. I was drinking at the bar last night, so I took a bus home…That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before. How do you know a man is really really gay? When he’s nursing a Bacardi Breezer! What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels? A guy will actually SEARCH for a bottle

Whale Puns

Where do you calculate the mass of a cetacean? At a whale-weigh station! What is a whale’s favourite story? The Humpback of Notre Dame What is an orca’s favourite TV show?  Whale of fortune! What do you call a 100 year old whale?  A hunchback whale. What do whales like to chew? Blubber gum! What kind of whale flies?  A pilot whale! Why are they called sperm whales? Because seamen discovered them. Why was the whale so sad?  Because she was a Blue whale. Have you ever seen a fish cry?  No, but I have seen a whale blubber. What do you call a pod of musical whales?  An Orcastra. How does a group of whales make a decision?  Flipper coin! What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?  Licence to Krill Where does a killer whale go for braces?  The orca-dontist What do whales eat? Fish and ships. What do whales like to chew? Blubber gum! Where are whales weighed? At a whale weigh station How do you circumsize a whale? You send down four-skin divers. Did yo