Puns Ville

To write with a broken pencil is pointless. What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, it’s a dead giveaway!) Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye. Who ever invented the “Knock-Knock jokes” should get a No-bell prize They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, “Are you two an item?” Where did the king put his armies? In his sleevies. I changed my iPhone’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now. A tattoo artist has designs on his clients. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on wo...

How does a baby get food when it’s hungry? Womb service. Life ain’t fair for a baby. No matter what you colic, a baby crying for hours is a pain! The failure of the third largest manufacturer of baby’s toys was enough to rattle the entire industry. What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. What did the mama tire and the papa tire name their baby girl tire? Michelle Lynn. What did the papa buffalo say the baby buffalo before he went to work? BISON! What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block When the baby bird penned his first novel he was just a fledgling author. Why couldn’t the melons have a baby? Because they cantelope. Why shouldn’t you put a baby’s dirty diapers in the laundry bin? You wouldn’t want to hamper his movements! How do you get 100 babies into a bucket? With a blender. How do you get them out again? With Doritos. What is funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown costume. How d...

While I dance I can not judge, I can not hate, I can not separate myself from life. I can only be joyful and whole. This is why I dance. Dancing is wonderful training for girls, it’s the first way you learn to guess what a man is going to do before he does it. Whats thirty feet long and smells like piss? Line dancing at a nursing home. If all the young ladies who attended the Yale promenade dance were laid end to end, no one would be the least surprised. Dancers are the messengers of the gods. What dance do hippies hate? A square dance. Where can you dance in California? San Fran-disco Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance. Which dance will a chicken not do? The foxtrot! Dancing is like bank robbery. It takes split-second timing. I often say that in making dances I can make a world where I think things are done morally, done democratically, done ho...

How does every Russian joke start? By looking over your shoulder. Whats the difference between a smart Russian and a unicorn?  Nothing, they’re both fictional characters What’s meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union?  It’s when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the party’s. What do you call a Russian with Tourette’s Syndrome?  Yukanol Fukov. What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?  A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat. What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User’s Manual?  The bus and train timetables. What is Communism?  The Poles say it’s the longest and most painful of the roads to capitalism. What do you call a gassy russian? Vladimir Tootin What is the fastest country in the world? A: Russia What do you call a Lada on a hill?  A bloody miracle. What did Wendi Murdoch say to Vladimir Putin?  Put-it-in! What did the Russian people light their houses with b...

Do you wanna join me for a yoga class? Namaste here. (No I must stay here). What do you get when you combine Starbucks and a yoga class? I don’t know, but there’s probably a hipster close by. Why didn’t the yogi vacuum in the corner? Because he has no attachments. What does a dyslexic cow say? Ommmmmmmmmm. What did the yogi put on the sign outside his studio? Inquire Within. What was the woman angry after her yoga class? She was bent out of shape. What did the yogi say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything. What kind of yoga do you do in a casket? Decom-pose. What’s the most romantic kind of yoga position a man can do? Pro-pose. Did you see the romantic comedy with Meg Ryan as a yogini? It’s called “Yoga mail”. What did the yogi tell the vacuum salesman? Too many attachments. What kind of animal does yoga? A Shangri-llama. What do you call women doing yoga in see through Lululemon pants? Over-ex-posers. Where do fish go to do yoga? The river bend....

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving. My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby. I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver. My wife had her driver’s test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children. Isn’t it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected. I work to buy a car to go to work. What do women and police cars have in common? They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming. Guy walks into my parts store....

Who was the smartest man in the Bible? Abraham. He knew a Lot. What kind of man was Boaz before he married? Ruthless. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out. Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple? It was a bird of pray. Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible? Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Samson. He brought the house down. What car make did the Apostles drive? Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord. Who’s the patron saint of poverty? St. Nickeless. Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled? The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor. What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car? A convertible. Almost funny? Jesus says, “Umm… no.” / Jesus Gifs What’s the best way to settle church disputes? With canons. Which Old Testament prop...